As many of you know, I have two boys: a two-year old and a four-year old. They are just such…little boys. They like to scream at each other. The two-year old likes to do everything the four-year old does, which drives the older one nuts. (But at the same time, I know he likes it.) He always asks his little brother the silliest questions like, when he’s about to share something with him, he’ll ask, “Do you want to keep that forever?” And of course, his little brother says, “Yes.” Then the older one screams, “He says he is going to keep it forever!”
Oh man. Sometimes I feel like all I do with my day is referee and scream along with them. That’s when I’d say I’m as “snappy as a crab” or as “angry as a bear.” But all I want to do is hold them and rock together on our rocking chair. Of course, if I’m holding and rocking them both, then both of them are crying because neither wants me to hold “two boys” because they want to have me all to themselves. I hold them both all the same, though, because I want them both there even if they’re screaming. We sing songs and read books, and eventually the crying stops and we forget why we were sad. And I wonder, “How would I have another baby?” But if you can believe it, I’d like to have more. My little one is getting big and the two of them can actually do things for themselves.
The thing is, I just experienced my third miscarriage since my youngest was born. What do you do?
After my first miscarriage, I thought that maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe we just needed a little more time between them. So I trained for and ran my first half marathon. I thought that then perhaps we were ready. Well, once again I miscarried. After that we tried to figure things out so it wouldn’t happen again. I told my husband that I didn’t know if I could handle three miscarriages. Yet here we are.
Lots of thoughts have gone through my mind: are we only supposed to have two boys?! Is there something else I should be doing right now? Is this really the last of the little moments in our house?
All of these thoughts have certainly made me and my husband more aware of the little things our boys do. We are loving the funny thoughts they have, the cute way they speak and negotiate, their worries and fears, sweet hugs and kisses, and if you can believe it, we even don’t mind their fits as much.
Isn’t it funny that that’s what it takes sometimes to turn our minds around? Something difficult. But it helps us have better thoughts, and pay closer attention to the little moments, to enjoy the hard and the happy.
That’s why I feel my heart truly is like a zoo, with a whole range of emotions. Excited to be pregnant again, then nervous if I’ll stay pregnant, then deeply disappointed, yet again finding hope, comfort, and joy in friends, family, and especially two wild little animals who call me “Mom.”
P.S. We hope you enjoy My Heart Is Like a Zoo, by Michael Hall, in your January board book Bookroo boxes!